Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Holiday

The Holiday

By Allison Adams, 04-17-11 – Submitted to The Greeneville Sun 04-18-11

“Mom? Why are you slapping together a pile of turkey sandwiches at 8 o’clock in the morning when we’re just about ready to hit the road?”

“Why don’t you have a seat there, and I’ll tell you a little story while I work on these sandwiches.”

“Why don’t we just pretend I never saw the whole thing?”

“Once upon a time families used to ‘road trip’ a little differently than they do today.”

“You mean like how they used to travel together in covered wagons?”

“No – like how they traveled together in station wagons.”

“You’d never catch me riding in something that lame.”

“The premier model station wagons often had decorative wooden paneling along the sides.”

“Hideous.”

“Luxurious. And road-tripping families would pick-up a commemorative decal for every city or state they visited, and they’d decorate the windows of their station wagon with their decal collection to show everyone where they’d traveled to – a little like placing a stick pin in different cities on a map.”

“Tacky.”

“Trendy. And road-tripping families of long ago made traveling an adventure!”

“How so?”

“Well, daddies would study road atlases for the scenic routes, and mommies would make sure to pack plenty of things to entertain the kiddos.”

“Like a portable video player and an iPod?”

“Like crayons, coloring books, activity books, playing cards, dolls, … things like that. Why, I remember once being in the ‘way back’ of my family’s station wagon with my doll and some scissors, and somewhere between Arizona and California I cut-off all of her hair!”

“Wait a minute. You were sitting in the ‘way back’ while the car was moving -without a seat belt?”

“Well, things were different back then – cars didn’t have seat belts.”

“Whoa! And your parents let you have scissors while you were bouncing around?”

“That’s right, son. No seat belts, and sharp objects. It was a wild and crazy time! And listen to this – in the absence of a rest stop, parents often made their own. They’d pull off the highway whenever they needed to, and produce a little plastic travel potty, and let the kids relieve their bladders!”

“No. Way.”

“Yes - way. Families traveling with small children came prepared for anything! Oh – and families played car games like ‘Name the state capitols’, ‘Cow Poker’, ‘License Plate Bingo’, or ‘Punch Bug’…”

“Boring.”

“… and there would be singing, and laughing …”

“Lame.”

“… and we’d almost always travel with a spare can of gasoline, just in case the scenic route of our road trip took us through a remote area with no gas stations.”

“NOW you’re talking! You’d sit in your station wagon with a full can of gasoline?

“Sometime, yes.”

“Awesome! That’s so … combustible!”

“There’s more. Families also packed food to eat along their journey.”

“No way! Why didn’t they just stop at McDonalds or Wendy’s?”

“Fast food joints weren’t on every corner then, like they are today. People were more practical, more frugal. Long ago, families didn’t automatically spend money for the sake of simple convenience.”

“Because they were poor?”

“Because they were resourceful. Families would pack a picnic lunch, or supper, or both – to eat along the way on their road trip. Sometimes they’d pull over on a scenic overlook and spread out a picnic blanket and enjoy a good stretch and a nice break. Sometimes families would eat their picnic as they drove – driving straight through the night to reach their destination, and avoiding the need and expense of a motel room.”

“What did they have against a Holiday Inn?”

“Once upon a time, the holiday was as much about the journey as it was about the destination.”

“Wait just a minute. Is that why you’re making turkey sandwiches at 8 o’clock in the morning right before we pull out on a road trip?”

“Yes, dear. I’m making the best of the situation – and your daddy and I are sick and tired of fast food.”

“Please don’t make me sing songs or play ‘Cow Poker’.”

“All right, dear.”

“And can we bring along something combustible – just to add to the excitement?”

“Certainly. I’m packing the bean dip.”

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Put Me In, Coach!

Put Me In, Coach!

By Allison Adams 03-06-11 / Submitted to The Greeneville Sun on 03-06-11

It was an unusually warm winter night and even though we hadn’t yet replaced our window screens we decided to open a ground floor window – just about 18” – just large enough to allow the warm breeze to come inside, and allow our pup to be able to use the open window as a doggy-door to the deck.

We weren’t counting on the bird.

My son sounded the alarm - “Hey, mom – I meant to tell ya’ that there’s a bird flying around the living room.”

It was indeed an alarming report. Now, I love birds, but not if they’re flying around loose inside my house.

This was one of those times you think – golly, I wish I had one of those big butterfly nets.

I didn’t have one of those, so I grabbed the next best thing – a broom – and stepped into the living room to assess the situation.

That was when I realized that my son – who is normally a very bright individual – didn’t know the difference between a bird, and a bat.

A BIG BAT.

A big, nocturnal, placental, flying mammal with forelimbs modified to form wings.

A big one of THOSE was flying around loose in my living room.

I flung open the doors that lead from our living room to our deck, and I figured as the bat flit from one end of the room to the other I could use the broom to swat it out the back door.

Simple enough.

I positioned myself in the middle of the room, raised the business end of the room in the air, got a good look at the rabid Pterodactyl and its erratic flight … and yelled for my husband to help me.

(A good coach positions himself along the sidelines where he can see the action, but not interfere with the game.)

Safely tucked away in the front hall, but with a clear view of the so-called “playing field”, he hollered out to me - “What’s your game plan?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I hollered back in between swats, and while ducking to avoid the rabid, dive-bombing, 747-With-Fangs.

(A good coach makes careful observations and strategic changes to a game plan in order to improve the chances for success. Sometimes this means delivering harsh criticism to a player during the height of the action.)

“That’s a pitiful swing! You’re NEVER gonna connect! You’re too slow –waaaaay too slow! Awwwwe – look at that! It flew right by ya’! You’ve got to ANTICIPATE! ANTICIPATE!”

I have to admit I was a little distracted by the thought that I might become the victim of Foaming Barking Disease if that Rabies-Infested-Winged-Buffalo became tangled in my hair as it darted back and forth, and up and down, in between my wild attempts to swat it out the back door.

(A good coach eagerly offers a player helpful tips on proper use of equipment.)

“Choke up on the broom! Choke up! Keep your right elbow up! Close your grip! Bend your knees a little – NOOOOOOO! THAT’S TOO MUCH! Now – open your stance … and don’t forget to follow-thru!”

I tried to incorporate his helpful instructions, all the while keeping my eye on the Bat-That-Ate-Tokyo.

Maybe it was getting tired – after all it had been flitting from one wall to the next, non-stop, for what seemed like an eternity – but eventually it started flying lower …

“KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BAT! ANTICIPATE! ANTICIPATE!” hollered my helpful husband, from out of harm’s way, in another room.

… and I choked up on the broom, kept my right elbow up, closed my grip, bent my knees – just a little, opened my stance, ANTICIPATED, and took another swing with perfect follow-thru … and swatted that Rabid Beast out the back door.

(A good coach rewards a successful player.)

“WOOHOO! THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about! Way to connect! OUT’A THE PARK! See? Huh? I told ya’ – didn’t I? YEAH, baby! AWESOME!”

He swatted me on my fanny, said “Way to go, champ!”, and headed into the dugout – er, I mean, the kitchen.

He’s really just a coach at heart.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's Not You, It's Me

Its Not You, Its Me

By Allison Adams 02-06-11 / Submitted to The Greeneville Sun on 02-07-11

Dear Jan,

We’ve had wonderful relationship for a long, long time. We’ve seen each other regularly for over a decade, and throughout those years you have been my confidant and my trusted advisor.

I can’t think of too many things in my life that I’ve put before you. There have even been times when I neglected some real important things – like a friend’s wedding, or a doctor’s appointment, or my daughter’s piano recital – just so I could be at your disposal.

I’ve even dragged my feverish, pitiful self up and out of my own sickbed because I couldn’t bear to miss our time together.

I realized how just serious I was about our relationship when I voluntarily cut my family’s annual beach vacation short just so I could get back in time to see you.

Our dates together have always been “inked” on my calendar.

Your work phone, cell phone, and home phone numbers have occupied the top three spots on my speed dial list.

I the words of the Supremes: “Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you, baybay.”

Our relationship is deeply rooted, but the truth is I’ve grown weary … of my regular root touch-ups.

I don’t know how to tell you this except to say that I’ve come to a different place in my life. I’ve changed my mind about something that will affect our future together: I’ve decided to embrace my gray hair.

That’s right - you heard me: I’m not fooling anyone anymore.

I know you’re sensitive enough to have seen this coming. I’ve been dropping some serious hints for about two years, but every time I said something about giving-in to my gray hair, you tried to brush me off.

You said I wasn’t ready.

You said I’d be sorry.

You even went so far as to say that I was your “cash cow” – but I knew you meant it lovingly.

Moo.

Well my mind’s made up - I’m afraid you no longer own my head.

No more secrets, Jan. Now everyone will know what once only my hairdresser knew.

I’m ready to parade around publicly beneath my pale, pigment-less pelt.

Hi-Ho, Silverness!

Oh – I know it’s not going to be nice-n-easy. The months ahead will be extremely awkward for me: Vanity, thy name is Allison.

I'm well aware that people will look at my transitional tresses and wonder why I haven’t bothered to glance into a mirror.

They'll wonder why I’ve obviously missed several critical hair appointments.

They'll even wonder if I’ve totally lost … your telephone number.

But I will not turn back. I have made up my mind.

I just want you to understand that its not you, its me.

You’ve been wonderful, really. I couldn’t possible have asked for more from you. What began as a rescue mission from my self-inflicted over-the-counter hair color debacle back in Y2K, quickly blossomed into a decade of standing appointments so you could carefully, chemically enhance my natural hair color every three and a half weeks – come H-E-Double Hockey Sticks or high water.

And as long you maintained my mane no one knew that beneath that carefully concocted hair color I was naturally “granny gray”.

Until now.

Dear Jan, after you’ve had some time to allow all of this to sink in, I hope you’ll agree that we can still be friends.

After all, we’ve come so far together … and I’ll still need you to cut and style my lackluster locks.

We just can’t go back to the way we were. Those days are gone.

(If you have an opening next Tuesday I could really use a trim.)

Your truly,

Yours Truly

Friday, February 4, 2011

Density

Density
By Allison Adams 09-15-07, Submitted to The Greeneville Sun on 09-18-07

I really try to avoid dabbling in my kids’ homework.

You see – I began to struggle a little once my children passed the point of being required to memorize Dolch sight words, multiplication tables, and state capitals.

Oh, I still ask the usual generic homework questions (Do you have any? Have you finished it?), but my confidence as a competent study partner was shattered once each of my children reached the sixth grade.

I’m pretty sure it was their math homework that shut me up. Their graphing calculators confused me – way too many options.

I’m a plus and minus gal. I don’t do decimals.

My point is this: I know my homework-helping limits. It is very … limited. So, mostly I try to express my genuine concern about my kids’ homework situation without actually becoming directly involved - unless I can use flash cards.

Recently though, during routine questioning, I lost my cool. Then I lost my perspective.

“Have you finished your homework?”
“Uh-huh.”
“All of it?”
“Yep.”
“Are you sure?”

That’s when I got the Look.
“Don’t give me that Look, mister!”
“Sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to look at you.”

That little remark ignited my mood and before I knew it I was flaming with a false sense of self-confidence.

“Well,” I said, “it sure didn’t take you long to finish.”
“I only had six problems.”

Six problems. Problems? That meant math. Darn! Probably algebra! Please, oh please, let there be flash cards.

“Well, mister – march yourself upstairs and bring me your flash cards.”
“Flash cards? Jeeze, mom. We don’t use flash cards. We use a formula.”

Formula? Problems with a formula? Uh oh. Where was my husband when I needed him? He could solve a math problem while blindfolded, at twenty paces, with one hand tied behind his back.
I kept pushing.

“Let me see your work.”
“Are you serious?”
“Dead serious, mister.”

He flashed me The Look. I get The Look several times a day so it usually didn’t really faze me. I pressed forward.

“I’ll wait here while you get it.”

In a few moments he returned and handed me several worksheets stapled together. I felt him Looking at me as I rifled through the papers.
As I suspected, I found the stuff on the worksheets undecipherable.
“Do you need me to explain it to you, mom?”

Oh. Oh. Oh. How DARE he! I turned around and unleashed The Look.

“Thank you, but no. Just give me a minute to familiarize myself with the way your teacher has presented the problem to you to solve.”

I thought that sounded pretty good, but I was in Deep Doodie and he knew it. With no flash cards to fall back on, I would have to rely on The Bluff.

“Ahhhhh. Here we go.” I said confidently. “Uh huh. I see.”

I continued to stare at the pages.

“Now, son, you know I’m just doing my job – just trying to help you.”
“Right, mom.”
“If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care if you finished anything.”
“Uh huh.”
“Okay then,” I said, trying to slip out of my charade, “This looks fine. I mean – the ones I’ve checked here – uh, you know – they look fine. You may have a little adjustment to do on this one here, uh, thingy. The others, uh – well, I guess your math teacher will just have to check it and deliver the final grade.”
“My math teacher? Mom, that’s science homework.”

Uh-oh.

“See mom - based on the information in those problems, we had to find the given and unknown values so we could determine the volume, mass, and density.”

(Well I know a little something about density.)

If you need me, I’ll be sitting on the stool in the corner … wearing the cone hat.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Medicine Mom

Medicine Mom

By Allison Adams 01-22-07, Submitted to The Greeneville Sun on 01-23-07

Resubmitted 11-14-10

One look at my son when he walked in the front door from school this afternoon and I knew he was out of kilter.

Like all moms I can correctly diagnose most common childhood ailments after completing a basic exam.

We don’t need a white coat, expensive equipment, or malpractice insurance. We don’t need an antiseptic office either.

We’ve been known to conduct a basic exam in the kitchen, the grocery store, the car, or on the sidelines of the ball field.

“Come close to me so I can get a good look at you.” I ordered.

He complied.

I looked deep into his eyes. As in any case – medical, criminal, or psychological – if something is amiss, the eyes are a dead give away.

His eyes told me he was a sick puppy.

“How do you feel?” I inquired.

“I dunno.”

My patients are not often forthcoming with useful information.

I swept his curly hair away from his forehead and planted my palm there. I left it there momentarily before swiftly moving it to one side of his face – then the other, then to the back of his neck, then back to his forehead.

No fever present.

I placed one hand on the back of his neck and I used the fingers of my free hand to check for lumps and bumps beneath his jaw line and along his neck. As I do this, I always find it helpful if I look up toward the ceiling or down at the floor, as if I might find the results of my examination written there. And if it were, today it would certainly read “lumpy”.

“Does your throat hurt?” I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders.

With his chin firmly cradled in the crux of my hand, I took him with me as I set off to seek a bright light source, which happened to be in the kitchen junk drawer where the flashlight lives.

I pulled his chin downward to open his mouth, tipped his forehead back, held the flashlight up, and after a series of repositioning movements I finally got a good look into the back of his throat.

“Stick out your tongue and say ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.” I demanded.

Even though we’ve done this routine a million times I still feel the need to demonstrate so there is no question about what I expect to see and hear. I’m so adept that I can continue to issue directives to during my demonstration.

Its Maternal Multitasking at its finest.

Anyway, I saw red and white stuff way back there and that is capital N-O-T good.

“Do you have a headache?”

“Kinda.”

“Does your tummy hurt?”

“Sorta.”

Next for me was the ultimate sacrifice.

“Okay, son” I directed, “breathe on me.”

I moved my face in close proximity to his, and braced myself for what was coming. Breath that smells like it could peel paint would be the final piece of the diagnostic puzzle.

The test result was positive.

“You have Strep throat.” I declared.

“Oh. Okay. Does this mean you’ll take me to TCBY?”

Now – if I’m in a public place when I conduct a medical exam and there are other moms around, I may solicit a second opinion. I know the value of consultation.

I’ve felt up many an unfamiliar noggin and neck belonging to another mother’s child. It’s a professional courtesy.

This time, however, I didn’t need to confer with another Medicine Mom.

What I needed the expertise of someone with a white coat, expensive equipment, an antiseptic office, and malpractice insurance.

Although its 99 percent accurate, the strep test I administer is not yet recognized as such by the American Medical Association – and I am not trained or licensed to wield The Wicked Q-tip, cook a culture in a Petri dish, and scribble an Rx for an appropriate antibiotic.

Perhaps someday all that stuff will come pre-packaged and be available over-the-counter. Until then I’ll continue to practice my own brand of medicine and offer my findings to the pros in the form of a “strong suspicion”.

It’s a professional courtesy.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"Hello, Larry"

"Hello, Larry."

By Allison Adams 10-18-10 / Submitted to The Greeneville Sun on 10-18-10

“How was your day, honey?”

“Well. If you must know, this morning I broke the handle off a coffee cup as I was unloading it from the dishwasher. Honestly, sometimes I just don’t know my own strength. Anyway, I decided I could fix it, but naturally I couldn’t unscrew the cap off of the tube of glue.

"You know, just once I’d like to have the luxury of being able to use a tube of Krazy Glue for more than a single application.

“Am I alone?”

“Certainly not …”

“I mean, has anyone ever been able to repair something with Krazy Glue, then screw-on the cap, and unscrew it six months later to release another couple of drops of super sticking stuff? What’s the point of the screw-on cap if we’re only meant to use it once?

“Is this a conspiracy?”

“No, I don’t think…”

“Speaking of conspiracy – is it asking too much to be able to go in to a grocery store, march straight to the meat department, and put my hands on a package containing one single, solitary, pound of lean ground beef?”

“Well, I …”

“Not 1.46 or 1.27 or 1.59 or 1.83 – just a package containing 1-point-double-zero pound of lean ground beef. Why is this impossible?”

“I don’t …”

“Clearly the butcher is using a scale, or else there would be no label affixed to the package indicating that it contained 1.32 pounds of lean ground beef. In all my cooking years I’ve never seen a recipe that calls for ‘slightly more than a pound of ground beef’, or ‘almost, but not quite two pounds of ground beef’.

“I hate to admit it, but I guess I’m just not creative enough to know how to prepare the superfluous .32 ounces of meat.”

“Well, of course you’re crea…”

“And speaking of meat – just once I’d like to make my Tuna Delight casserole, and proudly serve it to this family and hear you all go oooooh and ahhhhh! Instead you react as if I intentionally prepared something for supper that would cause you to instantly lose your appetite, and my culinary effort is met with a unanimous ‘Ugh!’”

“Uh oh. What’s for sup…?”

“And speaking of ‘ugh’ – just once I’d like to go into the grocery store, dressed in what our son refers to as my ‘Bag Lady ensemble’, to buy that one thing I forgot to pick up when I was in there just 2 hours earlier, and NOT run into everybody on our Christmas card list.

“Where are all those people when I go into the grocery store on my way home from church and I’m wearing shoes that match, and one of my earrings compliments my outfit?”

“I don’t know where they...”

“Speaking of my outfit – just once I wish I could be properly dressed for an emergency instead of having to say here, hold this dishtowel really tightly around what’s left of your finger while mommy goes upstairs and puts on something decent to wear to the emergency room.”

“Emergency room…?”

“And speaking of an emergency – I’d give anything to be aware of the exact moment when the ‘ping’ sounds, and the pinhead-sized, ‘Low Fuel’ light on my dashboard illuminates.

“I mean, really – when the kids are hollering, and the music is blaring, and the engine is rumbling, and somebody’s honking their horn… how in the world am I supposed to hear a little ‘ping’, and notice one other teeny weenie light on the dashboard?”

“Did you have to call AAA again?”

“Yes I did. And by the way, Larry say’s hello.”

Bulking Up

Bulking Up
By Allison Adams 06-11-07, Submitted to The Greeneville Sun on 06-12-07

I’m sure all you Sam’s fans are happy as clams in a thirty-two ounce can now that the new store has opened.

Now you don’t have quite as far to go to buy yourself a hundred-fifty pound bag of kitty litter and a radically discounted set of steel-belted radial tires.

Now you can score a case of eighty assorted mini-quiches without spending eighty minutes on the road.

Like many of you, my parents are professional Sam’s shoppers. They embraced the cost-per-unit shopping system a long time ago.

They speak the language. For them – a trip to Sam’s is pure entertainment.

For me – shopping at Sam’s is stressful.

Once after a routine visit to their local Sam’s, my parents unloaded a number of bulky buys among which was a box that contained a sixty-pound roll of aluminum foil.

They hovered and cooed over that box like it was a new baby.

They thought it would be fun to see how long it would take them to use up all that aluminum foil, so they wrote the purchase date on the box that contained the roll.

That was October of 1982.

For the next 18 years they moved that box from one new house to the next: Houston to Honolulu, Honolulu to St. Petersburg. It was in St. Petersburg that they finally used the last inch of it.

Daddy called me long distance just to tell me that the roll was empty. It was a banner day! They went out to lunch to celebrate.

I am not making this up.

And then on the way home from their aluminum foil depletion luncheon, they stopped at their local Sam’s to buy a new roll, and the game began again.

That was August of 2000.

They’re still wrapping baked potatoes and covering casseroles.

I don’t want to sound morbid or ungrateful, but I fear I may someday my inheritance may include a partially depleted roll of aluminum foil.

Anyway, surely you see my point about their bulk shopping background. They could write a book on the subject. Frankly, I wish they would because I could surely use some guidance.

I seem to lack whatever’s necessary to make a shopping trip to Sam’s amount to anything other than a waste of an hour during which I have decided we really, really, need a case of breaded veal cutlets, a 6-pack of reading glasses, and a backyard cabana.

Last week the kids and I threw caution to the wind and visited the new Sam’s without the benefit of a guidebook.

Getting your bearings is critical to the success of any mission. Immediately upon entering I noticed the new store had a completely different floor plan from the old one, and I panicked.

My kids took one look at my clueless facial expression and scattered like ball bearings on a marble floor.

I was left to go it alone.

My palms were sweaty, but I took hold of the handle on my behemoth shopping buggy – the size of which could easily accommodate an aircraft carrier, with a deeply discounted price – and forged ahead.

For the next forty-five minutes I wandered all over Sam’s creation without putting so much as one iota inside my shopping-cart-that-ate-Tokyo. With time running out and feeling pressure to proceed to the checkout line with SOMETHING, I retraced my steps determined to redeem myself.

In the end when my kids had eaten their way through the store – one food sample table at a time – I anted up sixty-two dollars and some change for a hundred slices of provolone cheese, a double case of Gatorade, a twin-pack of pool floats, and a four-pound bag of jellybeans.

Yes, you heard me – a four-pound bag of jellybeans.

Which brings me to this: some things just shouldn’t be packaged and sold in bulk. Even my parents discovered this early in their bulk-shopping career when they made the mistake of buying a fifteen-pound drum of Jiff.

There is something very wrong about being armed with a knife and up to your elbow inside a vat of peanut butter.

Anyway … I suppose when my pocketbook and I recover I’ll probably give the new Sam’s another go. Maybe in the meantime you pros can offer me some helpful hints.

And, I’ll let you know when my folks use up their roll of aluminum foil. We’ll have a party.

I’ll bring the jellybeans.